Turning Inner Geek into Geek Chic
Unless you are super cool chic and addicted to all that is plastic and trendy, the likelihood of you having a bit of inner geek is pretty high. Come to think of it, some people would count an obsession with trends to be a bit geek as well. I guess that just means that all of us have something a little “uncool” hidden deep within or perhaps proudly sported on the surface. Even Ken and Barbie. I mean really — can we talk anatomical anomalies?
You all know I’m pretty opinionated about non-game-playing and authentic behavior when it comes to dating. And yes, at times you pay for it by losing a game-player or by revealing something to someone that may be a deal-breaker for them. But I hear a lot more stories about people falling in love with someones quirks, peccadilloes or the person behind the masks when they finally get over their fear and reveal the beautifully flawed gem within.
For those readers who have embraced the inner geek and turned it chic… bravo! You may feel free to skip reading this post and move on to another article that may seem a bit more relevant. But for the people maybe hiding something “uncool” from dates and mates or reluctant to just be fully transparent, read on…
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You might be arguing with me (virtually of course since I can’t hear you unless you leave a comment) that there is a time and place for everything and your time and place for being transparent about your inner geek is decidedly NOT in the dating pool. I get that. I really do. And in some ways I agree with you about not being too transparent in the “dating pool,” but we all have to figure out when and how to share the real deal with someone when we start to care about them. Some people chose to wait until they have a ring on their finger, others determine to just change that part of themselves and many dance on the head of a pin for the first few months of a relationship trying to figure out when and how much to reveal.
All of this hiding, changing and dancing probably doesn’t do much to up the chances of coming across as comfortable and mature in a relationships. In fact, it probably just turns off many dates when they sense that their date is hiding something. For the oblivious daters who don’t notice, you might keep them on the line only to wish you hadn’t when all is said and done.
So when and what to share? First you have to determine what truly defines you (that you don’t want to change just to have your mate’s approval) and what you are afraid of. Never let fear of someone else’s reaction decide an action or lack of action on your part since it won’t serve your best interests. Embrace the inner geek you don’t want to lose out of fear that someone else may think they are “uncool” or “silly.”When you learn to let go of the fear around that action/activity/interest, you’ll be amazed at how much more relaxed you become about how another person reacts.
Practical Time-line? Ok, ok… I’ll give you a revelation time-line but remember, take it with a grain of salt since every situation and person is unique and some take more or less time than others…
Dates 1-5: The Exploration Period
Granted, we are all doing the “aren’t I great” preening dance during the first few weeks. Best foot forward and all that jazz. This is the time to remember that you have another foot waiting to come forward, but you don’t necessarily need to bring it out yet. Enjoy letting the other person get to know the parts of you that you think are pretty darn cool and relax knowing that the revelation period is not yet here.
Dates 6-10: Cracking the Door Open
Somewhere along this stretch, bring out a few pieces of inner geek and see how the person you’re with reacts. Someone safe and mature isn’t going to ridicule or dislike you because you happen to like to read fiction *gasp* on your lunch breaks or consistently rearrange your iPhone apps and research new ones to add. Or my personal favorite… that I was so shy between the ages of 9-15 that my parents had to pay me to make phone calls to my friends. (Probably the only teenager in the history of America paid to talk on the phone.) Your date may good-naturedly tease you or even reveal that they do/experienced the same thing. No biggie here. But its a good framework for understanding how they are going to act when you reveal some of your bigger inner geek things.
Dates 11-15: Initial Revelation Period
About the time when you’re starting to wonder about relationship longevity and you’ve become comfortable with their dog sniffing awkward places every time you walk in the door, is when to consider bringing out the more sensitive bits of inner geek. That the fiction you read isn’t considered “highbrow” (Romance and Sci-fi over Hawthorne and Hemingway) or that you have a penchant for videos like Bjork’s robot music video. Things that may be considered more on the weird side by anyone not into the same interests. If they react well and you don’t feel judged or rejected… continue on to the next phase…
Dates 15+: Full Disclosure
Now is when to let your date know that you have some social anxiety lingering around “cool” people since you were scarred in High School by ridicule or ostracising… and that your date’s friends feel like “cool” people. Or that you visit the grave yards in every new city and take a day to make rubbings of the older stones. Or perhaps your geek comes into play with you needing the latest and greatest gadget on the market and you’ve had to restrict yourself from looking at online sites like the Mac store or Cnet in trying to avoid credit card debt. These are the things that you know, to the wrong person, may well be deal-breakers. Here is when you take the chance to let them break the deal. If it does fall apart, you are better off knowing sooner rather than when you’re facing your first joint credit card bill or vacation together.
Yes, it can be scary and even seem silly to let it affect you the way it does, but having a date’s good opinion can cause even the most self-assured people to hide parts of themselves in hopes of acceptance and approval. In order to become “Geek Chic,” you’ll need to embrace and love the parts of yourself that may not seem so cool to the world at large but are incredibly cool to you. (And as a quick note of encouragement: the more comfortable you become with yourself, the less you’ll need a revelation time-line since you love who you are and if someone else doesn’t get it… moving on seems infinitely preferable to changing in order to please them.)